Never mind austerity, feast on the joy that is a royal wedding and stop moaning, says Jonathan Maunders

In an event which will scarcely be covered by mainstream press and television, Saturday marks the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. It is thought that British media will instead focus on the NHS crisis and just how culpable Theresa May is for the Windrush scandal.

Despite the press embargo, people up and down the country are showing their solidarity. My local funeral directors have draped pictures of the happy couple over all their graves, which proves the owners are either the country’s biggest Harry and Meghan fans, or they’re extremely dangerous republicans who should be watched carefully all Saturday.

Marmite has got in on the action, dedicating jars to the couple. Given that everyone knows marmite is beloved by all and is in no way notorious for being divisive, it seems a fitting tie-in with the royal family, who have very similar properties.

A Royal Wedding colouring book has also been released, featuring the couple in movie scenes from films such as Titanic, Jaws and The Shining. The latter must remind Meghan of her first visit to Buckingham Palace to meet her future grandparents-in-law. 

Not everyone’s excited about the wedding it seems. Meghan Markle’s dad was so desperate not to attend that he had to schedule heart surgery once it became clear his attempts not to be invited had failed.

Many killjoys cite the cost to the taxpayer. It has been estimated that we will pay up to £30m for security on the day. Instead of moaning about it, we should be delighted that our hard-earned taxes are going to protect someone genetically our superior, rather than going towards helping sickly whingers at our hospitals. They may moan, but they should have thought about that before they chose not to be born a member of the royal family.

Others stupidly criticised the fact there’s no bank holiday. How selfish! We’ve already seen how the royal couple need our tax money to help pay for their wedding. If we had too many days off, they’d probably have to skimp and hold the reception at a local Harvester.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has caused outrage by stating that he won’t be watching the event live, instead suggesting he might watch it on catch-up. What a disgrace! This is far more important than a speech on the state on the economy. After all, this wedding is far more likely to get people stable jobs than a Labour government. I bet Corbyn’s one of those demonic gorgons that records Great British Bake Off to skip the ads. People should get their revenge posting spoilers through his letterbox.

Others are willing to put in more effort. The homeless people of Windsor, for example, who are reportedly giving up their belongings for the big day, are delighted to make a contribution for a royal family that have done so much for them. One recently told me, “It’s the least I can do. Every day they teach us how to spend public money responsibly, like this £30m on security. If they let me have any of that money, I’d probably blow it all on a roof over my head and a suit for a job interview.”

The couple have been keen to shake up the wedding to seem less elitist and more in touch with us ordinary people. Well not all of us, but you know, the people who sometimes shop at Waitrose, not just Harrods.

They plan to serve fashionable ‘bowl food’, presumably rather than boring old plate-food. It just shows how committed they are to resonating with us normal folk. In fact, I ate something from a bowl earlier. The only difference is that instead of serving cocoa pops or tomato soup, they’ll have working-class favourites like foamed venison and deconstructed dodo eggs.

Apparently, Harry and Meghan are breaking with tradition and will be the first royal couple not to have a fruit cake at their wedding, effectively ruling out Prince Philip’s attendance.

Up and down the country, British people from the Windrush generation are sweating over whether they’ll suddenly be deported with little in the way of explanation. Instead of moaning, they should sleep safe in their local deportation centre knowing that Meghan will be allowed to stay in the country after the wedding. If they wanted to stay, they should have pre-emptively married royals, too.